sit back down and shut your mouth
I was taught to despise myself
raised by hate as much as by my parents
ten years old
too loud too smart too large
gripping the fat on my hips that wasn’t even there
pulling and tugging and hating
head between my knees with sobs vibrating out of my lips
praying to god to make me beautiful enough
thick skin and all
for the same boys that spat harsh words at me,
so that one day someone could love me enough for the both of us
because that was what really mattered right?
i didn’t realize that the only love i needed was my own
too caught up in reshaping myself to fit into the predetermined figure
sucking in my stomach to zip up jeans
two sizes too small
burning and starving and rearranging the skin that I’d learned to hate
just to be able to say that I am pretty
the platform that all girls are raised upon
pretty and quiet and pretty and soft
pretty and skinny
replayed on a loop in our heads so not to forget
whispered behind our backs so not to believe
to make sure we play our parts but don’t live them
conditioning us to torture and groom the same skin we are conditioned to reject
and growing up in this world makes it so easy to do so
every magazine book movie condemning those who
dare to insinuate that they are beautiful for themselves
and hand-feed the rest of us our insecurities like we need them to survive
because heaven forbid we actually love ourselves
how dare we say that we like us for the way we laugh
for our knowledge for our talents
how dare we pretend that we are worth more than our weight or the way we dress
or the color of our eyes or the color of our skin
how dare we try to make ourselves into more than just the paper dolls we are.
but i think i speak for all of us when i say that i did not sign up to be held to the expectations of a madman
that i was not placed on this earth to live in the background of those of a luckier chromosome
or to starve my body to look like the girls you hold me against
i don’t remember entering a competition so i don’t know why you keep insisting it is one
because i’m realizing that embracing the way your lips fold over different syllables
and the way you hold anothers hand
and the way your laugh booms across streets
and the way your love can extend to all branches of this earth
is more important than trying to run the race that no one can win
because the size of your waist does not determine your worth
and your worth is not determined by the boys who want you
you are a thunderstorm
you are magic in your own right
a piece of the universe given this body
this beautiful skin that you should handle with care
a body that houses every thought emotion dream raging inside of you
skin meant to be loved recklessly and freely
and not cut out into the shapes that society deems acceptable
sit back down and shut your mouth,
stop taking up so much space.
Friday I worked with Tia on my poem, and it was really helpful. She gave all of us really good tips and advice, and she was the sweetest person ever.
The poetry slam went really well, and it was really cool to speak my piece and hear others do theirs.
In relation to NaNoWriMo, I am up to 20,000 words right now, and have another 10,000 words to go before the end of the month. Hopefully with the coming days off, I'll be able to get it done (I really want to win NaNoWriMo, I wont lie).
I wish I could say that my writing has become a full on novel, but like before, it's still just a bunch of random scenes that I have written that still need filler scenes in between them to get from point A to point B. So maybe for my last 10,000 words I'll go back and fill in the scenes I need. Maybe then I'll be able to actually see it as a whole novel??
I think I'm making it sound worse than it actually is. You can still follow and understand what is happening, but at this point I'm just hitting the main scenes that I know I can write quickly. There is just some things I need to add to really advance the plot and the character development.
All in all, I'm so so close to meeting my goal and it's got me very excited, and hopefully for my last blog I'll be able to share a big excerpt from my climax!
Like I said, I'm just very very excited.